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Darwin Awards…Close To Home

battery.jpg

For those (few) of you unfamiliar with The Darwin Awards, they are given to recognize “those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it.”  Ours will be a little different. I want to hear about the dumbest thing YOU’VE ever done, and yet somehow survived. So, here’s a story on a friend of mine (who inspired this post). 

Now before you cry foul, here’s the deal…

I, of course, have any number of similar stories on myself.  If you can post one that beats the one I share below, in a spirit of fairness, I’ll share a really good one. 

If I don’t, my wife has been authorized to share her favorite one ABOUT me, and I have promised to neither edit or delete it.  So, on with our story… 

Once upon a time, a friend and co-worker of mine (let’s call him Wayne) was working for a auto supply store. One day, a man came through his line, purchased a car battery and left. A few minutes later, Wayne noticed a puddle of unfamiliar liquid on his counter.

Wayne was curious.

He touched the liquid, but still couldn’t place it. He then sniffed the liquid…still no enlightenment. Finally, he did what any of us would do… 

He tasted the liquid. Then of course he realized that it was battery acid, thereby justifying his scientific process. Unfortunately, it also made him very sick.  

After a trip to the hospital, he was able to return home, none the worse for wear. Except, of course, for the ongoing death-threats from his co-workers who ALL lost their safety-bonus for that month. And, yes, Wayne has offspring to insure the survival of those genes. 

Now, make me laugh…it’ll be worth it, I promise! 

-Perk

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7 thoughts on “Darwin Awards…Close To Home

  1. Lvl 8 FiFA Ref on said:

    I don’t know if it is quite as classic as tasting battery acid but…

    In high school I was a member of singing group called the Choralaires (or something) and we put on several concerts each year. The most popular was the Christmas concert and lots of alumni would come. Well this year we had put together a funny bit with some of the guys “mouthing” and acting out the famous Alvin and the Chipmunks “christmas, christmas time is near”. For those that know the song there is a long musical inturlude and the guys kind of acted bizare and wacky for this part. I was on risers and caught the eye of the guy playing “Dave” and leaped from the top row and he and i proceded to ballroom dance (we were both in tuxedos) during the interlude to thunderous approve from the audience.

    Well all good things do come to an end and the interlude concluded and the sketch needed to continue. By this time adrenaline was surging through my body as I streaked back to the rizers. Now again I was on the top row (3rd one up).

    I need to pause here. This group was made up of guys and girls. The guys as I stated earlier had tuxedos on the girls wore a formal gown. This year they had been a bit bold and went with a strapless one that came about halfway up the shoulder. Yeah.

    Back to the story. Standing next to me on the rizer was a good friend of mine named Chrissy. She as the rest had enjoyed my little dance and was standing there like all the rest of the group as I again was barrelling toward my position. Again my energy was at a premium and that distance to the rizer seemed trivial and of little importance. I was wrong.

    As I lept to resume my place on the riser my foot didn’t quite clear the edge and my face went from joy to horror instantly. Instinctively, both hands came forward looking for something to hold on too. Alas they found Chrissy’s dress. As I continued my plunge to the earth, luckily Chrissy came too and not just her dress but as she began the plunge her right foot lashed out at the person in front of her and a domino effect ensued.

    Amazingly enough I was allowed to sing in the Spring concert as well.

  2. Beth Sigman on said:

    There are so many stories I could tell. About 2 years ago my sister and I were camping at the beach with friends. I made frybread one night (for those of you who haven’t had this naughty treat it is dough fryed in a pan with lard – terribly bad for you but sooooo…good). After I had finished pulling out the last bread I did what any good pyromaniac would do. I dumped the contents of the frying pan into the fire 🙂 The oil hit the flames and they shot up instantaneously to about 9 or 10 feet. I lost all of the hair off my arm and some of my eyebrows (my hair was in a wet stocking cap fortunately). After that we decided that it would probably not be a good idea to do that again 🙂

  3. Mary Lou on said:

    I was on a date, (most of my great stories are when I am on a date and doing something stupid) we had just parked across the street from our restaurant of choice, Red Robin (God bless refillable fries). I was feeling very energetic … well ok maybe hyper is a better word for it…and my date was taking her sweet time after we parked, so I decided to entertain myself. We had taken her little truck, an older toyota pick up with narrow truck bed walls. I had gotten out of the vehicle and was getting ansy and she was still fiddling around with her purse, or setting the emergency brake, or some equally unnecessary time consuming chore. I jumped up on the truck bed and started balancing on one of the side rails, it’s about an inch and a half wide. She continued to fiddle around in the car … possibly embarrassed about the idiot balancing on the wall of her truck bed. I had to find something new to do as she was STILL not out of the truck, so I jumped from one side to the other and found that I could keep my balance. This was a pretty cool thing for me, so I started bouncing from one side to the other, landing on the rail each time. The truck was rocking pretty well at this point and she FINALLY decided to get out and come around to the back to wait for me. I was facing the front of the truck, so I thought the best way to dismount would be to switch in mid leap from going to side to side to propelling myself backwards over the tailgate. This started great, I landed squarely on the rail on my right, absorbing the momentum with my right leg and then shifting my weight and bursting almost straight up, pushing off with my right leg, pivoting to the left, performing a perfect 180 so I was facing and sailing off the back of the truck, it was amazing…up until I realized the tailgate was still up and my legs would go no higher. The tailgate caught me at the ankles and all that great momentum I had used to help me sail, suddenly turned against me, joining forces with my arch nemesis gravity. They teamed together to slam into the pavement, where I broke my arm trying to break the fall.
    I tried to convince my date that I was fine and we went into the restaurant, but I quickly realized I could not move my arm at all, and it was now three times its normal size. We left to go to the hospital and I never got my refillable fries.

  4. Dinana on said:

    ok…mine is a bit more gruesome, but here we go.

    i was home sick in high school and doing what any girl does…crafts…in bed…with a razor blade…

    the next morning i awoke and felt something in the bottom of my bed…so naturally, i reached for it with MY FOOT and sliced my big toe big time.

    my bathroom floor was COVERED with blood! who knew a big toe beld so much?

    Mary Lou, i liked yours, but toooooo many technical details…my head is spinning…

    SHUT UP, PERRY!

  5. “doing what any girl does…crafts…in bed…with a razor blade…”

    Good lord! Where did you attend, Lorena Bobbitt High School?

    -Perk

  6. Dinana on said:

    Why yessssss, yes I did…you got a problem with that???

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