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10 Tips for Husbands

oddcouple.jpg

Okay,

Now before Acerbic Villain dogs me…though I know he will anyway…

my wife did NOT put me up to posting this!  As I was in the bathroom this morning, thinking deep thoughts, this blog post just came to mind. 

Basically, here’s what happened: the toilet paper roll was empty, and as I started to do what I always do in this situation (grab a new roll and then leave it on the edge of the sink) I thought to myself,  “Self, how hard is it, really, to replace a toilet paper roll?” 

Vic HATES it when I don’t do this, and I have, on more than one occasion, been pelted with an empty roll when it’s discovered. So, I replaced it and tossed the empty tube in the trash.  (Yah, me!) 

This led me to think, “What other really simple tasks could I get up off my lazy arse and just DO, that would make my wife happy?” Now, this is not a train of thought I board as often as I should, as it frequently leads to direct contact with the dishwasher, when I could be on the couch watching Friends re-runs. 

Still, the train was out of control, and here’s what I came up with.  Please add your own suggestions below.  (Note to Dinana: Just know, in advance, that your comments will likely be deleted!  LOL) 

  1. Replace empty toilet paper rolls and dispose of properly (see above.)
  2. Pick up my dirty socks. They’re right there at my feet, and the hamper is like a foot away, c’mon!
  3. Rearrange the couch cushions when I get up.  10 seconds, max.
  4. Remember to brush my teeth and gargle before I come to bed.  The dog has been known to get up and leave the room.
  5. Empty my bathroom trashcan.  Okay, this one involves several steps and almost didn’t make the list.
  6. Put books, videos, and DVD’s back on the shelf when I’m done with them.  Again, just one at a time, takes a couple of seconds.
  7. Put my dishes in the dishwasher instead of piling in the sink.  I hate the dishwasher; this one almost got nixed as well.
  8. Take my empty Starbucks cups out of the car when I exit. (Really, I’m sad, please pray for my wife…)
  9. Hang up my coat when I take it off. Seriously, I have piling issues.
  10.  Hang the towel (or toss it in the hamper) when done showering.  See #9.

Okay, that’s about all I’m willing to admit to at this point.  I’m going to print this list and tape it to my bathroom mirror. 

Though, that’s also where I taped my new diet/exercise schedule…so there you go… Guys, what do you have to add?  

-Perk PS – If I don’t get some decent responses by tomorrow, I’m sending this link to your wives!  

If I go down, I’m taking everybody with me! 

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56 thoughts on “10 Tips for Husbands

  1. Terence on said:

    Look, Ma. The boy’s gone ‘n grown up on us.

  2. Acerbic Villain on said:

    You actually expected me to argue with you here? You know my wife, and I know you. I’ll insert my own “Miranda Rights” excerpt from what I know about you:
    QUOTE: “Anything I say (to you) can and will be used against me in the court of [MY WIFE].”
    OK, I guess I WILL dog you a little bit. Your wife may not have ACTIVELY put you up to this upon punishment of “withholding of ‘relations'” or “banishment” or “stink-eye” or even “castration” or but you’ve been married for over 10 years. Your wife slowly and surely, over the course of the 10+ years you’ve been with her, put you “up to this”.
    NO QUESTION.
    It’s gradual, unrelenting, subversive training. You and I are both subject to its powers. If you intend to stay with your wife, you CANNOT escape it. Our wives are slowly changing us (just as we are slowly changing our wives, I’m sure). The changes are, I think, for the better…
    There… thus endeth the “dogging” 🙂

  3. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Ok so this is could get me into trouble, (that’s why I’m using an alias) and against my better judgment I am going to stubbornly defend what I know is a mole hill in the Himalaya’s, but it’s a mole hill I am (apparently) ready to die on.
    You’re right those are all simple things that we all could do, to make life easier for the woman in our life. And I have even more of them that I will not add on because I don’t need anymore grief coming my way. However, there is one simple reason that I ‘forget’. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
    See at my house I once came up with a similar plan to rid my wife of the mundane task of picking up after me, it went something like this…

    “I just used all the toilet paper” I said to myself.
    So I grabbed an new roll, proudly taking the old one off and placing the new role on, I even peeled of the first layer to get rid of the glue stuff she dislikes! I left the bathroom and said nothing hoping she would notice, but happy I had done what she had asked (so I thought!)
    “Mr. E Nigma!” she said (but not really because remember I’m working under a pseudonym – witness protection just called) “Did you change the toilet paper?”
    “Yes” I said ready to receive my biscuit from the master’s hand.
    “You put it on wrong! It has to come down over the top! See like this.” She said as she turned the roll around, “And you didn’t put the empty roll in the trash.”

    Then there is the time I tried to rinse my plate off before putting it in the dishwasher… I had unknowingly used the wrong side. Or the many time I hung the towel up and folded it only to find that I folded it incorrectly. (Where is this kind of stuff written down?)

    I’m pretty sure this is why Jesus didn’t get married.
    “Honey” Mrs. H. Christ would say “That’s nice you walked on water, everyone thought that was pretty great, but you got that salt water all over you cloak.”
    Or…
    “Yes dear you fed 5000 men and their families but the bread was cut in the wrong direction.”
    Or…
    “Why did you have to serve red wine, don’t you know that white wine is served with fish?”

    Well there you have it, don’t say I didn’t tell you.

  4. Dear “E”

    You’re a brave man, you apparently can’t work a toilet-paper roll, but you’re a brave man.

    -Perk

    ps – Thanks for posting Dwaine…

  5. AV,
    just as we are slowly changing our wives, I’m sure
    At my house we just call that “giving in to the dark side of the force…”
    -Perk

  6. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Who? I don’t know that name! I have to go my wife is calling…something about my socks…

  7. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Yes… well, there are certainly different takes on what is slowly happening to us as we age together. My wife could call it acquiescing to a necessary evil, or as you put it “giving in to the dark side of the force” if it were ME that was the bad habit guru of the household.

    My wife would likely agree that it’s really more of a 50/50 thing. She’s just as (if not more) sloppy as I am.

    /me runs and hides now.

  8. AV,
    She’s just as (if not more) sloppy as I am.”
    Holy crap.

    There’s “brave” and then there’s just insane…
    -Perk

  9. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    Now I am the first to admit that some of my issues can lean towards the obsessive side of life, but there is logic behind them all.
    1. The TP roll, there is nothing worse than having to sit there and roll, roll, roll the roll to find the end. If you always place it where the paper starts at the top and comes forward at you, the first sheet is easier to find. Thanks for the effort Sparky, but try again!

    2. The dishes. There is a disposal side to our sink that is equipped for leftover food particles. The whole point of having a disposal is to deal with these pesky remnants so that your sink does not clog. Now if you use the side that just goes down the drain, where do you think those leftover pieces of rice remain?They stay there bloating until the only remedy is to go under the sink, remove the pipe and correspondingly remove the foul funk that has been residing there. I can think of many other things I would rather spend my time doing. (On a side note, if you are going to try and fix a leaking sink with tape, at least have the dignity to use duct tape, not electrical)

    3. The towel-wadding is not folding. If you wad the towel it does not dry and then the next person who goes to use it gets the pleasure of attempting to dry their hands on a damp towel. How exactly is that supposed to work?

    I appreciate the effort but does it really help me if it is creating more work for me? Having to redo something or cleaning up after the consequence of your action, not really helping. How many kids do I have???

  10. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    There is a small casket and a tiny little tombstone where a small mole hill once stood.

  11. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Ahem…

    Um. MRS E NIGMA,

    I’m sorry, but here’s what I heard:

    1. I’m an obsessive freak about TP
    2. I’m an obsessive freak about the kitchen sink
    3. I’m an obsessive freak about towels

    1. You’re lucky he doesn’t crap in the sink
    2. You’re lucky he doesn’t crap in the KITCHEN sink
    3. You’re lucky he doesn’t use the towel to wipe

    There, I think we’re done here.

  12. Mrs…

    I REALLY want to agree with you, as the point I’ve been trying to make to “E” (I promised Dwaine I wouldn’t use his name again) is that the whole point of the list is to find little things that will make your wife happy.

    Part of the “happy” is doing them in a way she’ll appreciate.

    I do, however, have to comment on just a couple of your comments:

    “nothing worse than having to sit there and roll, roll, roll the roll to find the end.”

    How freaking big is your toilet paper roll?

    Do you buy it on those big wooden wire spools?

    Here’s a helpful hint…roll once…opps… you you missed it! Go back.

    Then we have:

    “Thanks for the effort Sparky, but try again!”
    “at least have the dignity to use duct tape”
    “towel-wadding is not folding”
    “cleaning up after the consequence of your action, not really helping”

    Mr. Enigma, I don’t say this often, so savor it…

    I retract my former statements regarding your behavior.

    Were I you, I…would…never…get…off…the…couch…

    LOL,
    -Perk

  13. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Guys, I appreciate the support, but seriously… Stop helping me! I like to dig my OWN holes!

  14. E,

    “I like to dig my OWN holes!”

    Yeah, but I’ll bet you do it wrong…

    -Perk

  15. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Yah… Mrs E would come buy and say you’re using the wrong side of the shovel, and that the dirt is CLEARLY being piled in the wrong place, and DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED on the gloves… SHEESH!!!!

  16. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Not to mention that I was diggin in the wrong place!

  17. Dinana on said:

    ok…once more with feeling

    Perry,

    You have ALMOST been completely assimilated!

    Remember, the toilet paper goes over the top like a waterfall!

    Only a C*O*M*P*L*E*T*E I*D*I*O*T wouldn’t know this…or a man… 🙂

  18. You DID plant the shovel firmly with your left foot and then rock it back to a 45d angle with your right arm…right???

    MY GOD MAN, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???

    -Perk

  19. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Where’s the undo button? Or edit? How do you remove a post. Crap!

  20. Yup, it’s 3:00 o’clock…Dinana’s meds have worn off.

  21. Ohhh…silly Nigma…only I can delete posts…

  22. Dinana on said:

    oh…to quote Perry…

    BITE ME!

    Dwaine, it’s called karma…you must have some very bad stuff floating out there to be a part of Perry’s world…

  23. and yet all I hear is “quack…quack…quack…”

  24. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Yah… Mr. E Nigma, only cubeville gets that power. You need to commit to your posts. Wait, you did THAT wrong too!?!?!?

    There’s just no helping you now. 😉

  25. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Well there was that one time… at band camp.

  26. “Well there was that one time… at band camp.”

    Oh my god…dude…don’t even GO there with this group! My WIFE reads this blog!

    -Perk

  27. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    Really is it that hard to turn the toilet paper one way or another? No! Is using the garbage disposal instead of clogging the sink difficult? No! Is hanging a towel rather than stuffing it as a wad on the towel rack too much to ask? It’s not like I am asking you to reinvent the wheel here. Give me a break! I’d like to ask-have any of you had to clean out a clogged drain trap? Not only is it a disgusting sludge substance, but the smell would send Perry’s dog longing to have a whiff of his unbrushed, ungargled breath.

  28. Mr. E. Nigma on said:

    Ya’ll are on your own!

  29. Mrs…

    I’m still having a hard time getting this picture out of my mnd.

    Repeat after me…

    “No wire hangers, ever!”

    Okay, that said…

    Yes, as a matter of fact I have cleaned many a clogged drain trap. I grew up working in my father’s (he was a chef) kitchens. I’ve seen it about as bad as it gets, and I was the poor sap that got to clean it up, lol.

    You know this is all in fun…right?

    -Perk

    PS – And leave my dog out of this!

  30. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    What this is all a joke???? I have cried off all my mascara thinking that you all thought I was an awful obsessive unappreciative woman. Don’t you know that I base my self worth off of what mostly strangers think of me. I don’t know if I can face the world tomorrow.

  31. Acerbic Villain on said:

    QUOTE: “Really is it that hard to turn the toilet paper one way or another? No!”

    – Absolutely correct, then I trust you will do this from now on. Thanks!

    QUOTE: “Is using the garbage disposal instead of clogging the sink difficult? No!”

    – Also correct. How many clogs have you endured thus far due to this terrible terrible atrocity? Remember, MR E is also watching and this is for posterity, so, DO be honest.

    QUOTE: “Is hanging a towel rather than stuffing it as a wad on the towel rack too much to ask?”

    – Evidently… moving on. I could go into a long discussion of the carrying capacity of the common woven cotton fiber and it’s ability to bond to water molecules (through a process known as Van der Waals forces, (or, Hydrogen Bonding) if you’re wondering) and the subsequent continued drying capability of the towel despite feeling ‘icky’ …. but I guess I won’t.

    QUOTE: “I’d like to ask-have any of you had to clean out a clogged drain trap?”

    – Yep (and things MUCH more disgusting ‘in the line of duty’, believe me)

    🙂

  32. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    Wow! You all have too much time on your hands and are a bit too geeky. Quote “I could go into a long discussion of the carrying capacity of the common woven cotton fiber and it’s ability to bond to water molecules (through a process known as Van der Waals forces, (or, Hydrogen Bonding)” Seriously? Don’t you guys have jobs?

  33. Okay, to multiple posters:

    MRS-

    and are a bit too geeky
    A bit? A BIT? We are UBER geeky, lady!

    I have cried off all my mascara thinking that you all thought I was an awful obsessive unappreciative woman.”
    I don’t believe you. And I don’t think you’re awful.

    Now if you’d said you were plotting my horrible painful death…THAT I would believe. Remember, I know you!

    Don’t you know that I base my self worth off of what mostly strangers think of me.”

    Again, not buying it. Strangers? STRANGERS??? Okay, that just hurt. You’re one of the dozen people out there who’ve read my books… strangers indeed! Hrmph!

    AV-

    I could go into a long discussion of the carrying capacity of the common woven cotton fiber and it’s ability to bond to water molecules (through a process known as Van der Waals forces, (or, Hydrogen Bonding)

    Okay, as much as I hate resorting to friendly-fire, I gotta side with MRS on this one….wow. That was scary, lol.
    This, however:

    and this is for posterity, so, DO be honest.”

    Made me fall in love you all over again.

    Last thing I will say in defense of MRS is this: Keep in mind she IS married to a guy who’s been known to drink battery acid:

    https://cubeville.wordpress.com/2007/05/03/darwin-awardsclose-to-home/

    I think that says it all.

    -Perk

  34. I would also like to note that not ONE of you has done what I originally asked:

    “Please add your own suggestions below.”

    I type and I type and I type…sigh.

    -Perk

  35. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Oh… you’re right:

    11. Don’t crap in the kitchen sink

  36. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Regarding folks getting on my case for making my point with, dare I say it, an acerbic tone. The point, which seems to have been utterly lost is that although you might not like that the towel is unpleasantly moist and cool due to recent exposure to moisture, it will still dry your hands. Get over it.

    Better?

  37. Great, NOW we’ve done it!

    There is no getting our quarter back when AV gets going with THAT tone.

    And, in all fairness, no one actually ever took issue with your tone (before I just did). It was the frighteningly “Cliffy” data you regurgitated so quickly that brought comments. Tone was never mentioned.

    I think I’m going home to bed.

    -Perk

  38. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    So you’re saying you knew I wasn’t sitting here in my office crying my eyes out? That wasn’t believable? Sorry for the strangers comment, I don’t know all the real names out there behind the comment names. And yes I have read your books and no pressure am waiting for the next. I really have to go to work now, I have played too long!

  39. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    I lied, one more thing, AV-I wasn’t arguing that the damp towel won’t dry your hands still but that a dryer towel will dry them faster. That’s all I’m saying, master of all uber geeks.

  40. I don’t know all the real names out there behind the comment names

    For the love of Dog, woman, it’s MY blog!

    and no pressure am waiting for the next

    That’s ironic, I’m feeling no pressure to write the next one, either.

    sitting here in my office crying my eyes out

    Oh please, stop being such a girl!

    Okay….NOW I’m going into hiding!

    WOO-HOO

    -Perk

  41. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    Of course I knew you were one of them. Are you kidding me? And that’s right you better run!

  42. Acerbic Villain on said:

    QUOTE: “AV-I wasn’t arguing that the damp towel won’t dry your hands still but that a dryer towel will dry them faster…” must control … twitching and … urge to do … field research

    OK, we’ll just ASSUME that you have quantitative data supporting your assertion that there is an appreciable difference between the drying SPEED of the moderately moist towel (say, moisture content of roughly 35%) and a ‘dry’ towel (with a moisture content of less than 20%). GRANTED.

    BUT… you have a husband “MR E NIGMA” that is suffering from PTSD due to your vocal (violent) aversion to the former. Is it worth THAT?

    Never forget the fallen E Nigmas.

    Oh, and thanks for the uber-geek comment. 🙂 I wear that badge with honor!

  43. MRS.

    You posted again.

    Don’t you have any work to do?

    Folding towels, mucking drains, making sure toilet paper is aligned correctly with the orbit of the planet…

    -Perk

    PS – just a word from one who knows…he’s NEVER going to stop until you do.

  44. Acerbic Villain on said:

    QUICK… someone give me a different dead horse to beat!!!!!!!!!!

    I CAN’T STOP!

  45. See?

    Dude – you scare the crap out of me sometimes…

    -Perk

  46. Vic-the-Prego-Wife on said:

    Perry- my Love- you exceed my expectations (whether the toilet paper comes over the top or not)! You’re my hero for even thinking of the list.

    As for you- Mrs. E- Girlfriend- take what you can get! I mean seriously- do you want the help or not?

    Dinana- I love you- but if the toity paper has to come over the top you’ll never make it past my front door.

    Mr E- There was a moment of silence for your mole hill.

    AV- Those of us turning to the dark side will eventually grow teeth to bite you- be nice to the Mrs. AND REPLACE THE TOITY PAPER ROLL ya big gunky!!

  47. Mrs. E Nigma on said:

    I would like you all to know that I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with you today but I do desperately need to get some work done and would appreciate your tempting me no more. So I wash my hands (and dry them with a bone dry towel for the best water absorption rate) of this blogging. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your geeky little world.

  48. Dinana on said:

    Vic-The-Prego-Wife…I’m concerned…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHICH WAY THE TP ROLLS??? Maybe it is you who has been assimilated…to the dark side…

    COME BACK TO THE LIGHT
    COME BACK TO THE LIGHT

    click, click, click

  49. Vic-the-Prego-Wife on said:

    Dinana-
    Clearly there aren’t more important things than how the TP rolls in your house. You’re sounding like Martha Stewart and, believe me Honey, you don’t want me to go there!

  50. On a side note: A friend of mine who has four children mentioned that they always put the TP roll on “backwards” as it helps keep it from becoming a game of “unravel” when the little ones get into the bathroom.

    Just a helpful tip!

    -Perk

  51. Acerbic Villain on said:

    I have employed that “reverse roll” technique to avoid the kids tendency to unroll the TP directly into the toilet and then FLUUUUSH.

    From now on, if I’m ever in Mrs E Nigma’s home, I will reverse the roll direction. Just for fun. 🙂

  52. “the kids tendency to unroll the TP directly into the toilet and then FLUUUUSH.”

    Ooooo…I gotta go home and try THAT!

    -Perk

  53. Dinana on said:

    I have sooooo many things to teach little Gracie…I can hardly wait!!!

    I’ve heard the “old husbands tale” about kids not unrolling the TP if it’s under instead of over…it’s not true…either that or my girls are geniuses, because they both made it happen no matter which way the TP flowed.

  54. Pingback: Geeks Vs. Nerds « Just another day in cubeville…

  55. I just had to feature you on my blog today… (http://husbandsnores.blogspot.com/) hope you don’t mind. I hope to send you lots of love from annoyed wives!

    Thanks for being such a brave man! We salute you but my husband hates you!

  56. Pingback: ‘Nother Blog You Might Like… « Just another day in cubeville…

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