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Thank God for Take-Out

Hey all,
Sorry for the absence in posting. Vic and I have spent a week hosting the current cold virus (or,as we like to call it, the “hackfest from hell”) and I have only now had the strength to crawl over the mountains of dirty dishes and Kleenex to get to my computer.
Survival has been our only focus.
I remember the days of my youth, when getting a cold meant a couple of days of NyQuil shooters and wiping my nose on my sleeve.
No so anymore.
As I’m sliding ungracefully towards 40, I’m pretty sure that the common cold will kill me…and I’m at peace with this.
FYI, Gracie is having the greatest time in her young life. If she had the eye-hand coordination to wield a spork, she would now be the dominate species in our home. Instead, whenever she makes a noise one of us flings a handful of cheerios in her general direction.
She spends most of her day locked in mortal combat with the dog.
That, or she’s chewing on her new favorite toys…my DVD’s.  I don’t care…as mentioned above, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it, and God wouldn’t let me bring most of those movies with me anyway.
Phlash, in hopes of getting something to eat, follows Gracie shoulder-to-shoulder wherever she crawls. Together they look like a badly-written “incredible journey” movie.
However, not all is lost. I’ve made some surprising insights during the last week. For instance, hundreds of years ago the average life expectancy was about 35 years. Modern science would like you to believe that this is due to things like “genetics” and “evolution.” (These are terms that they made up to keep getting grant money)
Not so.
I’ve discovered that the real reason for this shortened life-span is that they hadn’t invented “Take-Out” yet.
Ergo…when a couple got sick in the 1400’s, and couldn’t call out for pizza or the Happy-Panda special, the whole family would starve to death instead of getting out of bed to make a peanut-butter sandwich.
This, I’ve determined, was the wise decision. If the effort to unscrew the peanut-butter lid hadn’t killed them, they were sure to be buried in the avalanche of dirty dishes.
On a related note:
The Chinese-restaurant delivery guy won’t even knock on the door anymore. One look at me in “I’ve been sick for a week” mode (think: the bad guys from “Deliverance,” only in week-old sweatpants) and he now leaves our food at the end of the driveway and honks. He apparently values his life more than his tips.
He’s smart.
If we live, I’ll post again.
If not, somebody please bring my daughter some Cheerios…before she eats the dog.
-Perry
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10 thoughts on “Thank God for Take-Out

  1. Sorry to hear that the plague hit your house, too. Bryan, three kids and I had it in January. Oh, it was miserable. I will say that the first week was the worst, weeks 2 and 3 were better. We could actually function again. Take lots of naps and drink lots of water. Hang in there.

    Our time down with “the bug” proved what I have long believed- have older children first. Thanks to our superbly-trained preteens, we were fed pb&j sandwiches which we swished down with endless pots of hot tea. This was followed by one nap after another, while the big kids kept the little kids from burning the house down (with the parents lying, uncaring, upon our sick bed).

    If you guys need a delivery of Nyquil, paper plates and cheerios- just holler. I am sure that something can be arranged.

  2. Acerbic Villain on said:

    Can I have some of your stuff when you die?

    – AV

  3. AC –

    You’ll have to fight my wife and daughter for it.

    Personally, nothing I own is worth that kind of pain, but it’s up to you….

    -Perk

  4. Hey neither of them would want the knife karate kid gave you, can I have that?

  5. Mrs. Enigma on said:

    You can call Chez Richardz if you get tired of Chinese and I will deliver to your door. All I ask in return is your first born. Not forever, but at least for a little while.

  6. Oh my sweet Lord…that was a kill! The Geisert Fam
    is hysterical! Loved the spork! Ha! That is so wonderfully
    visual.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  7. Dean S. on said:

    Take it from an old geezer. The older you get the less severe the colds and flu are because you have been invaded by these little critters and your body becomes more and more immune to them. Kind of like I haven’t had a cavity for ages. Maybe its because I have been loosing more of my teeth (joke).

  8. The Duck on said:

    Can I have your shoes?

  9. Duck – obviously it has been too many years since you’ve been the the vicinity of my shoes.

    Or, maybe you have nefarious purposes???

    What am I talking about…you’re Captain Kaping…

    Of COURSE you have nefarious purposes…

    -Perk

  10. Dean,

    I, also, haven’t had a cavity in years.

    ‘Course, I have a pretty strick dental regieme of living in denial and never going to the dentist…

    -Perk

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