PDX Networker

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Thank God for the internet…

Hey all,

So, I was thinking this morning about what an amazing a thing the internet and email is. I mean, when, in all of history, was their ever such a compendium of easily accessable knowledge?Here are just a few of the things I have learned over the last few years…I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot )

Eating a Ho-Ho sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.  Yuck! (and I probably shouldn’t shake a politician’s hand for much the same reason!)

Because of fecal matter in the glue on envelopes, I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the  $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant  freaks with no eyes or feathers. (Okay, I still eat KFC, but only because I have a deep and abiding hatred of chickens.)

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water  buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, and I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave  anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life (and, let’s face it, I have enough trouble with this face, as it is!)

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their  recipe (which sucks, by-the-way.)

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the  parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car. (Tho’ admittedly, I’m probably in the “low-risk” category on this one…)

So, I can only imagine how people survived this dangerous world before the internet and email was was here to warn us!

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from  Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

-Perk

PS- Thank you cuz Patricia for this one!

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6 thoughts on “Thank God for the internet…

  1. First of all there is so much you missed. For instance you didn’t mention anything about all we’ve learned about improving the size of our manhood or womanhood. And I think you need to stop by Mr. Gates office because you sent me that microsoft email like 15 years ago. Another thing, I’ll spend all day with you smelling like a water buffalo as long as you don’t smell like a european thats been in the hot sun all day.

    Drew
    all I need is some pets and a mortgage and I’ll be living the Dream.

  2. Oh and I was quite suprised to look down and realize that my hand wasn’t on the mouse. I’m thinking my subconscious read ahead and moved my hand proving my superior intelect. Wait a second is that just an ad for checking your email on your iphone?

  3. NWDrew,

    Knowing you as I do, I would be more inclined to believe that you are simply a savant.

    Think… “Rainman” with a lap-top.

    -Perk

  4. The Duck on said:

    I don’t know about you but I haven’t used a mouse in years…just a bunch of grey matter between the ears.

  5. Duck…

    I don’t know who you think you’re fooling, but Drew an I KNOW you…

    LOL,

    Perk

  6. No I think you misunderstand. No mice in my world. Touch pads yes…mice no.

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