Thank God for the internet…
So, I was thinking this morning about what an amazing a thing the internet and email is. I mean, when, in all of history, was their ever such a compendium of easily accessable knowledge?Here are just a few of the things I have learned over the last few years…I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot )
Eating a Ho-Ho sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! (and I probably shouldn’t shake a politician’s hand for much the same reason!)
Because of fecal matter in the glue on envelopes, I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. (Okay, I still eat KFC, but only because I have a deep and abiding hatred of chickens.)
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, and I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life (and, let’s face it, I have enough trouble with this face, as it is!)
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe (which sucks, by-the-way.)
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car. (Tho’ admittedly, I’m probably in the “low-risk” category on this one…)
So, I can only imagine how people survived this dangerous world before the internet and email was was here to warn us!
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS- Thank you cuz Patricia for this one!